


Sexual Harassment Seminar Day is a Very Dangerous Day

by NeoVenus22



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Office, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-14
Updated: 2010-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-06 06:49:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What starts out as a day at SGC Enterprises ends in disaster when the staff is forced to go to a sexual harassment seminar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexual Harassment Seminar Day is a Very Dangerous Day

From: george.hammond@sgc.net  
To: staff@sgc.net  
CC: henry.landry@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 0859  
Subj: Reminder

Don't forget that there is a staff meeting today for all personnel, being held at 10:00 in conference room B. Attendance is required.

SGC Enterprises  
George Hammond, CEO

\---

From: jack.oneill@sgc.net  
To: daniel.jackson@sgc.net  
CC: samantha.carter@sgc.net, charles.kawalsky@sgc.net, cameron.mitchell@sgc.net, jonas.quinn@sgc.net, erik.reynolds@sgc.net, tealc@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 0911  
Subj: Today's meeting

Place your bets now. My money's on today's meeting being another session on "selling yourself."

* * *

Daniel found his coworkers congregating in front of Conference Room B, the source of many an evil staff meeting. Some of them, like Jonas, Janet, and Carolyn, had already gone inside, and were milling about, taking advantage of the coffee. Daniel considered it for a moment, but instead joined the group that was hovering halfway between the door and the water cooler.

"Promise me this'll be quick and painless?" he said hopefully.

"I can promise nothing," said Jack, and at least had the decency to look a little remorseful.

Still, it did nothing to soothe Daniel's mood, and he abruptly turned to Sam and hissed, "Can we mutiny?"

"The only way we're getting out of this in one piece is by playing the quiet game. Don't ask questions, don't make comments, just nod and smile and they'll let us go."

"Have I ever mentioned that I make a lousy hostage?" said Cameron.

"It's 'cause you're mouthy," said Jack. "Stop that."

"Pot calling the kettle black, Jack?" said Daniel. Jack shot him what was presumed to be a silencing look. Sam snorted into her hand.

Teal'c's head appeared around the corner of the entrance to the conference room, and he met Daniel's eyes. "There appear to be muffins," he said.

"Ooh," said Jack, and led the way into the room.

The announcement of baked goods had served the effect of luring the rest of the staff into the room. Some took their seats, some attacked the food, and some just stood in between the rows of chairs, taking up space. "Check it out," Cameron muttered quietly, nodding his head in the direction of the front of the room, where Vala was blatantly flirting with a man none of them had seen before. He was tall, dark, smooth, and dressed impeccably.

"That's him," said Jack. "The enemy."

"He is not to be trusted," Teal'c agreed solemnly, then bit into his muffin top.

"C'mon, guys, it can't be all bad, can it?" said Sam.

"Your optimism never ceases to amaze, Carter," said Jack, shaking his head. "If it was any good, then Hammond and Landry would be here, suffering along with us."

"Yeah, but they never come hang out with us mortals," said Cameron.

"I'm sure they're just busy," said Sam, and sipped from her mug. Actually, she seemed much more positive about the situation at large, once placated with coffee. Daniel leaned over; it smelled like hazelnut. He'd just finished off the last of his own mug before he'd left for the meeting, but there was no set rule for how much time needed to pass between cups. He brushed past his friends and got to the table just in time to claim the last full cup in the pot. A few feet away, Kawalsky glared.

Daniel got back to his seat just as everyone was sitting down, and the suited man stood in front of them, his hands clasped dramatically at belt level. "Settle in, everyone, settle in. I hope we can begin?" Silence settled over the room, and the man smiled with satisfaction. "Great. I'm Alan Poffis, and I'm here today to talk to you about a little thing called sexual harassment."

A row behind Daniel and to the right, he could hear Reynolds hissing, "Yes!" Daniel could only assume this meant he'd won the pool.

Up front, Poffis didn't seem to notice the grumbles of the assembled. "Ladies and gentlemen," he intoned, "sexual harassment is bad. Sure, at first blush, it seems like you're doing nothing more than a little harmless flirting."

"Says the man who's probably going to walk out of here with Vala's number," Jonas muttered in an aside.

"But let me tell you, there's a big difference between a dinner date, and a dinner don't. Sexual harassment is exploitation. It demeans characters, it ruins careers, and it's just a big, unpleasant bag all around. Now, can anyone tell me some of the warning signs that you are being sexually harassed? Anyone?" He stared at them with an expectant, patient smile, as though he was calling his fifth graders to the board to answer a math problem. None of them bit. "Well, I'll tell you," he said. "Vala, lights please?"

Vala, in the front row, got to her feet with a giggle and a finger-wave at the assembled, before going over to the panel by the door. She lowered the projection screen and hit the lights. A blue box popped up, with the unimpressive white logo that read 'System Industries Present.' "There are three warning signs you should look for," he said, and flicked to the next screen, which read 'SUC' in enormous letters. "S." He jabbed a pointer at the screen, making it wriggle and the image distort for a second.

"Where'd he get that?" said Sam.

"Out of his ass?" suggested Jack.

"S is for _superiority_," said Poffis, oblivious to the giggles coming from one of the rear rows. "Is your coworker higher up in the corporate food chain than you? He —or she— might end up using their superiority over your job to elicit compliance from you."

He thwapped the screen again. "U. It's for _uncomfortable_. Do you walk away from an encounter with a coworker feeling... icky about something they said?"

"'Icky?'" said Janet in next row up.

"Perhaps they said something you deem questionable, or inappropriate. If you do feel uncomfortable, that could be a sign you've been sexually harassed.

"And lastly, C. C is for _covert_. Do your meetings with this coworker take place at the water cooler? Or in their office, with the door closed and the shades drawn? If you can't be seen by others, you could run the risk of being a victim of harassment. That's S-U-C, the three signs of sexual harassment."

"Does anyone else think this sucks?" muttered Jonas, without a single trace of irony.

They completely broke up, all valiantly trying to hold in their giggles, except for Teal'c, who remained stoic as ever. This time, however, Poffis took notice. When he asked, "Vala, lights please," he kept his tone evenly measured.

"All right then," said Poffis, "now that you know the warning signs, let's try a little exercise. Let's see if we can recognize potential danger situations. May I have some volunteers?" Unsurprisingly, no hands stretched into the air. Without so much as a blink, Poffice pointed at what Daniel was now thinking of as the danger row. "You two there," he said, with an emotionless and insincere smile. "Come on up here, help us out."

Cameron and Sam stood up with obvious reluctance, and did the shame walk of climbing over coworkers' knees to make it to the aisle. "Okay, great, great," Poffis enthused. He passed them some index cards. "Here are your lines. We're going to do a quick little role-play scenario."

"Um," said Sam.

"Don't be shy," Poffis said reassuringly, although his eyes clearly read, 'I know you were chatting during my presentation, and you're going to make it up to me—painfully, if possible.' "You, um," he gestured at Cameron.

"Cameron."

"Yes, Cameron. Why don't you start?" Cameron blinked helplessly. "Read what's on the card," Poffis prompted.

Cameron cleared his throat, glanced down at the card in hand, and they were all treated to the sight of his eyes bugging out while color flushed sharply in his neck. "Uh," he said. "'Heya, hot stuff. How's about you and me get together for a little merger of our own?'"

Next to Daniel, Jack abruptly choked on something. In front of him, Janet's shoulders squared sharply.

"'Why Jim,'" read Sam flatly, "'whatever do you mean.'" Her brows lifted, and she made what Daniel recognized as her 'you have _got_ to be kidding me' face.

"'Drop by my office after your lunch break, and we'll have... dessert,'" Cameron answered.

"'Are we going to talk about the Millson account,'" said Sam in the same monotone.

"'Let's just say I'm interested in more than your projected figures,'" said Cameron. The color in his neck flared up to his face.

"And, scene," said Poffis. "Excellent. Now, what's wrong with this scenario?"

"The dialogue?" suggested Sam, and judging from the way she ducked her head shortly thereafter, she hadn't meant to say it aloud. Poffis stared. "I mean, uh," she consulted her card, "'Jim' is kind of... smarmy. And inappropriate."

"Yes, exactly," said Poffis. "And which of the three signs is it? Vala?"

"U," she declared. "It's very uncomfortable."

"Correct. Now, we've assessed that the situation is a potential career powderkeg. So what do we do to fix it?"

Vala's hand flew up in the air. "Yes?" said Poffis, with an expectant smile.

"Crucify the bastard," she said calmly, which caused the smile to melt from Poffis's face, and the rest of the audience to settle into combined awe, amusement, and maybe even a little fear.

"Uh.... I guess that's..." Their fearless presenter was at a loss for words. "Well, actually, I was going to, uh, suggest that you report the altercation to a trusted supervisor." He seemed to regain his confidence, puffing up slightly. "In fact, that's our next scenario. Thank you, Camden."

"Cameron."

"Yes, you may sit down now. Can we have another volunteer?"

"Can't I sit down?" said Sam.

"Well, no. You'll be playing the same character in our next scene."

"There are other women here," said Sam. "'Jim' doesn't strike me as the type who would just stop at one."

"Please just read the card. You, in the glasses." Daniel closed his eyes and prayed that today was the one day a week Jonas took out the contacts. But Poffis was looking right at him. Did no one else here wear glasses?

He cast a desperate look at Jack, who grinned and shrugged ruthlessly and said, "You fit the 'trusted supervisor' bill much better than me." Daniel made plans to steal all of Jack's highlighters later as retribution, then did the shame walk over his knees. He intercepted Cameron at the end of the aisle, and they did a little shame dance around each other before Daniel finally shuffled to the front and grabbed the index card.

The card, much more elaborate than it appeared from the back of the room, described Daniel's character as 'a nice guy, but sometimes wonders if women belong in the workplace.' He swallowed a groan and read his line, "'So, Jill, what brings you to my office?'" It was going to be a very long morning.

* * *

From: cameron.mitchell@sgc.net  
To: samantha.carter@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 1244  
Subj: What are you wearing?

Heya, hot stuff. How's about you and me get together for a little merger of our own?

\---

From: samantha.carter@sgc.net  
To: cameron.mitchell@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 1250  
Subj: RE: What are you wearing?

I know you think you're hilarious, but some of us are actually trying to get work done today.

\---

From: cameron.mitchell@sgc.net  
To: samantha.carter@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 1304  
Subj: RE: What are you wearing?

Maybe we can work in a little SUC, if you know what I mean.

P.S.: I need a copy of Ori Corp.'s March contract.

* * *

"That seminar was a bad, bad idea," sighed Sam, ducking to angle the mouth of her water bottle under the cooler's spigot. She only drank coffee before 2:30, and after that, only if it was free. The rest of the day, she contented herself with copious amounts of water, to flush the caffeinated toxins out of her system. It was a weird, slightly neurotic system, but it was all she knew.

"You think?" said Daniel. He stood with his hands in his pockets, watching her undergo the ritual for what had to have been the millionth time. When he'd figured out she operated on a timed schedule, he'd started meeting her at the cooler to chat.

"Oh, you have no idea." Daniel was probably just irritated he had to waste the morning watching dull presentations and embarrassed himself with some poorly-scripted role-play. But Mitchell had taken the poorly-scripted role-play as a rare prize. "You should see the emails Cam's been sending me," she answered. "He's never had so much fun in his life. So far today he's called me 'hot stuff', 'hot lips', 'hot pants', 'hot tamale', and 'hot beans.'"

"I don't even know what that means," said Daniel.

"Neither do I! At first, it was funny, I'll admit. But now it's just getting on my nerves. How am I supposed to get any work done when he keeps sending me messages every ten minutes?" She straightened, rolled the kinks out of her shoulders, and held her water bottle upright to study the level. It lay even right on the top bar.

"Have you tried telling him to quit it?" said Daniel.

Sam rolled her eyes obligingly. "You know Cam. Once he gets an idea in his head, he sees it through to the very end." Before she could say anymore, she noticed a figure creeping up behind Daniel's shoulder. "Hey, Vala. I'm not in your way, am I?" She smiled, and gestured in the direction of the cooler. Vala was hovering just at the end of the hallway, a Dixie cup dangling from the long fingers of one hand, a clump of yellow post-its clotted in the other.

The secretary seemed shell-shocked for a moment, caught unawares, before adopting a grin and shaking her head. "No, I'm all right, thank you. I was just on my way to deliver Mr. Landry his messages." She waved the wrinkled post-its at them. "Excellent seminar this morning, don't you think?" she said brightly, and then passed them to go down to Landry's office.

"Uh, yeah," Sam called after her, but with Vala behind her back, she was free to shoot a baffled look at Daniel.

Daniel shrugged, topped off with that 'don't know, don't care' face of his, and instead pointed at her recycled Evian bottle, the label peeling off from multiple uses. "I'd throw that away if I were you," he suggested. "Those things warp after awhile."

* * *

In all honesty, Cameron had never quite expected the shit to hit the fan. At least, not so soon. Sam was starting to take it all a little grudgingly, but he knew that when his coffee mug went missing, it was time to stop. Sam was blessed with a lot of patience, but with a very cruel streak when that patience ended. And she knew his weaknesses.

But ratting him out to the Landry wasn't her usual MO, and when Vala had come to his desk and all-too-smugly presented him with a summons to the vice president's office, he wasn't expecting it to be about the emails.

"Sit down, Mitchell," Landry said, without even looking up from his desk as Cameron hovered anxiously in the doorway. Cameron crossed the space in two quick strides and promptly squatted in one of the chairs in front of Landry's desk. It was comfortable, intended to promote easiness in the sitter, perhaps to encourage them to sign binding documents more readily. But Cameron was half expecting to have his arms shackled at any moment, and couldn't relax.

"A little birdie told me you've been sending suggestive emails to another employee."

"Um, not exactly," hedged Cameron.

"Mitchell, you've been here a few years, and I've never known you to be inappropriate _or_ shy. Cut the humble act and tell me what's going on. My source didn't tell me who the recipient was, I think they believed they were protecting the victim and crucifying you. Tell me the whole thing is a load of bunk."

"Well, I did send emails," Cameron said. "But they were just repeated lines from this morning's sexual harassment seminar." Landry pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled with all the force of Niagara Falls. "The recipient found them amusing as well, sir," Cameron blurted before the other man could get a word in edgewise. "I wouldn't have sent the emails if I didn't think she would. I've never behaved inappropriately while I've worked here at SGC."

"You don't call lewd emails inappropriate?"

"The lewdness wasn't mine, sir. I was just borrowing the words. With all due respect, Mr. Landry, sir, it was just meant as a joke."

"Mitchell, you're one of my finest employees, and as such, I've always granted you a lot of leeway as far as your 'humor' goes. However, in the wake of today's meeting, your jokes are in incredibly poor taste, which in turn make this company look like a joke."

"And I'm very sorry about that. I'm not making light of the issue itself. I'm just making fun of the seminar as a whole. Sir, you weren't there. It was like a fifth grade play gone wrong."

Landry stared, and Cameron's stomach sank horribly. "I hired the representative myself."

"Oh. Um. Sorry."

"Sometimes, important messages need to be explained in the simplest of ways." He was doing the finger-folding thing, the 'here is the church, here is the steeple' sign of impending doom.

"I understand that," Cameron stuttered, mesmerized by his boss's constantly moving hands. "I just think that it could have been done... better."

"Are you volunteering, Mitchell?"

Oh God, what had he said? Cameron looked up sharply. "Uh, no. I'd probably do a worse job."

"Cameron," said Landry, quietly and seriously, "I can't have my employees exchanging behaving this way, no matter how much in jest. I understand this is a unique, friendly workplace that has long fostered good relationships and excellent work. I don't mean to destroy the bonds that the staff has built around here, but I can't have every day be casual Friday, either. It's still a place of business, no matter how good friends you all might be, and that point needs to be reinforced."

"Yes, I understand perfectly, sir. It won't happen again."

Landry raised an eyebrow, and Cameron wondered if he'd said the wrong thing. "Damn right it won't," Landry agreed. "And to see to it, I've called the representative from System Industries back for another seminar. One to which you'll all pay attention, and you'd better learn something this time around."

"Mr. Landry," said Cameron, feeling his stomach seize as he imagined the things that would happen to him when the rest of the department found out, "you can't do that. Don't fault the others for my mistakes."

"As far as your mistakes go, Mitchell, be grateful I'm not taking these accusations to George. And in regards to the seminar, I'm far more of a presence than any of you seem to realize. I know perfectly well none of you were paying attention today. This is a lesson to be taught to the group at large."

"I understand."

"I want you to formally apologize to whomever's inbox you ended up spamming. I know you didn't mean anything bad, but if I catch wind of you doing anything like this again, I'll have your ass on the curb, no questions asked."

"I understand."

"You can go."

Landry had already returned to his papers by the time Cameron hit the doorway again, and he turned around with the usual bout of foot-in-mouth disease to add, "I'm sorry about all of this, sir. I'm a bit of an idiot."

"Yes, you are, Mitchell. Get back to work."

* * *

From: cameron.mitchell@sgc.net  
To: samantha.carter@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 1632  
Subj: About today...

Sam,  
I just wanted to apologize for my behavior today. It was inappropriate, and as coworkers, and more importantly, as friends, you deserve much better. It won't happen again. I'm an idiot.  
Cam

\---

From: samantha.carter@sgc.net  
To: cameron.mitchell@sgc.net  
Date: Apr 28 2007, 1635  
Subj: RE: About today...

Yes, you are.

* * *

"What's this all about?" Sam asked as the staff congregated in Conference Room B for the second day in a row.

Cameron cast a furtive look around the hall, then hissed, "Landry found out about the emails."

Sam groaned. "So it's payback? I'll kill you."

"Don't say that too loud; they'll make us go to a seminar on office violence. Besides, don't go blaming this all on me. You're the one that told him about the emails."

Sam looked offended. "I did not! You're annoying, but I wouldn't try to get you fired."

"Well, you must have told someone, because I didn't mention it."

"Aha, so you admit it was annoying and shameful."

"I already said I was sorry!" he stage-whispered. "So who did you tell?"

"You're being paranoid," she said, but she wiggled slightly in a little guilt dance.

"It was Daniel, wasn't it," he guessed.

"What's going on, guys?" said Daniel brightly and obliviously, having popped up out of nowhere. Teal'c stood behind him like an unmovable statue, one who was fixated on his muffin.

"Nothing," said Sam hastily, confirming Cameron's suspicions.

"Right," said Daniel, then glanced at Teal'c as though noticing him for the first time. "What kind is that? Is that cranberry?" He leaned over to see, and Teal'c abruptly jerked his hands away and shielded the muffin with his massive forearm and a glare of death. "Ooookay," said Daniel.

"Hey guys," said Jack. "Who do we have to blame for this lovely little get-together?"

Cameron shifted uncomfortably in place.

"That would be me, Jack," said Vice President Landry.

"Oh. Morning, Hank."

"Good morning. Everyone, I trust you'll be paying attention to the proceedings today?"

"Oh, definitely," said Jack. "Rapturously. Noting down every little subtle detail." He gave that 'am I screwing with you, or aren't I?' smile, but it was painfully obvious Landry bought none of it.

"Come on, then. Before all the good seats are taken." Without so much as touching them, he managed to shepherd both Jack and Cameron into the conference room. By the coffee pot, Jonas was talking to Carolyn and Kawalsky through a mouthful of some snack. Janet looked over, and held up one of two mugs, beckoning Daniel over. He gratefully accepted both the offer of treats and the chance to escape. Vala was at the front of the room, her hand on Poffis's shoulder.

"Looks like she didn't retain anything from the seminar," Cameron muttered, already feeling a bit sour as he was sandwiched between Sam and Mr. Landry.

Landry could stare down a woolly mammoth and win, Cameron thought, as the vice president turned the death glare on him. "Actually, she retained quite a bit."

Cameron figured it out a second later. "She ratted me out? That little..."

"You were going to say, Mitchell?" said Landry. Behind him, Jack was smirking relentlessly. Cameron's back was to Sam, but he was sure she was doing the same. Lord only knew what Teal'c was thinking as he munched happily away on his baked good.

"Nothing."

Landry sat back and crossed his arms over his chest with considerable satisfaction. "I didn't think so."

At the front of the room, Poffis, in a different but nearly identical suit and tie, clapped his hands for attention. "Everyone settle down, please!" he chirped with unnatural levels of perkiness. "I hope we can begin? Great. I'm Alan Poffis, and I'm here today to talk to you about..."


End file.
